A shadow on my heart

Such a waster that lead singer Michael Hutchinson from INXS is dead. Heard Bitter Tears recently and thought of the song U2 wrote about his suicide – Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of .

I think of my friend Carmen who took her own life a little over three years ago, I think most about how she might have felt in that moment, what if she wanted to take it back and couldn’t, how more possibly alone could she feel than that moment, that she would be now stuck in forever.

I have struggled with a poem about it (the title of which is also this blog entry) but I find it hard to breathe when even thinking about it. We lose so many people so unnecessarily.

I think about how I failed her in this biggest way but also in the smaller ways that you fail everyone. About how back at Oberlin she wanted to go trick or treating our senior year (which was so like her) but I said no because I thought it was a ridiculous idea at twenty-one. I wish I had said yes. It wouldn’t have prevented what happened but it would be one more happy memory with her.

About Andrea

Andrea DeAngelis is at times a poet, writer, shutterbug and musician living in New York City. Her writing has recently appeared in Timeless Tales Magazine, Umbrella Factory and Niteblade. (www.andreadeangelis.com). Andrea also sings and plays guitar in the indie rock band MAKAR (www.makarmusic.com) who are in the midst of recording their third album, Fancy Hercules.
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2 Responses to A shadow on my heart

  1. gatito2 says:

    I wonder what my daughter thought in that moment as well. Though I think it was many moments over many years and then she was finally tired. Great post. I didn’t know that is what that song was about though I’ve heard it a million times.

    • Andrea says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter Kaitlyn.

      I’ve lost two friends to suicide, Carmen in 2010 and Melissa in 1997. With Melissa, I knew she was manic depressive but still her passing came as shock and I know she was just so tired as well. Carmen, I had no idea that she was suffering so much. So many people suffer in silence from mental illness. If mental illness was treated as an illness rather than something to hide and to be ashamed of, I think we would save more lives.

      It just makes me impossibly sad. So many beautiful people gone too early.

      Please take care of yourself and please stay in touch. I think that you’re blogging about recovering from your daughter’s suicide will not only help you but help many people.

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