While recording our new album, Fancy Hercules, in our apartment in Queens, I have felt more confident to try things I never would have tried before. My mind is open now. This has led to more experimentation and an opening up of the production process for me. I never thought I could do these things. Mark has encouraged me every step of the way even if quite a few of my ideas don’t pan out! I finally feel I’m at place where I’m allowed to try what I’m uncertain of.
That being said, sometimes, I just want to stay in the cloistered home recording world of Mark and I and not share our music with people. Because the creative process is precious to me and I want to protect it and there are people who will sully what you so enjoy because they do not wish you well.
It’s hard for me to write this post because my thoughts are inchoate and compacted, it’s like this clotted fur ball of anger and hurt, nasty crippling roots sticking out and all that. It’s such a weird backhanded thing, when you go out of your way to help another artist with gallery shows, etc. and not only are they unappreciative but they put down your music and your desire to make music as a joke. I would never treat another person’s dreams like that. But that’s what users do and you have to protect yourself and your dreams.
Beck’s song Dear Life really resonates with me lately —
“You sang your swan song to the dogs
’Cause they made mincemeat of the dreams you hung your hopes on”
When I listen to this song, walking to meet Mark for lunch, I hear it as a call to arms not to give up on doing what you love simply because you love it.
It’s been a recent rippling epiphany, this same person whined about their life and all the opportunities they have been given in the past year as not being good enough. (This slew of opportunity mostly came from a friend who was sitting right next to them at the time. This person made few of these opportunities themselves.) This person complained that they are not even close to living their dreams even though they’re a full time artist.
I would find that situation so awesome, to be able to do writing, music and photography full time or even have a year off from the day job. What I would do with a year off from the slog of 9 to 5 but still, I’m lucky to have my afterhours to myself and not commandeered by my work overlords.
A continual lesson in life for me is that sometimes friends, family and even random acquaintances do not wish you well, will put you down and if you continue to let them into your life, will work to sabotage you for whatever petty reasons they have.